excerpts from may

11 May, 2026

taken from my journal.

i.
i wanted to write about something that was bothering me, but there was a green bug right next to my journal. i picked it up gently with my pen and brought it to the window, watched it fly away. i no longer feel like writing anything.

ii.
"there lives a young girl in me who will not die,
she is no longer me, and i no longer her,
but she stares back when i look in the mirror,
searching for something she hopes to recover.

there is no one else in the world she can ask:
where are the earnest smiles, the carefree dances?
where are my dreams and the joy of twenty?
tell me, have you made the most of my chances?"¹

iii.
i put my hand out of the windows and in the sun, and felt the cold may wind. i'm alive i'm alive i'm alive.

iv.
i've been taking photos with my old phone instead of my current one. it's 11 years old, which means "ancient" in tech terms, but i bought it around 7 years ago. i honestly find the over-processed white balance and color correction of current phone cameras abhorrent... older phones have a way of capturing light that feels much more aligned to what we see in real life. as a long time lover of film and point-and-shoot cameras, it's only natural that i gravitate towards it when i want to snap a quick photo.

v.
in the process of rediscovering myself - not reinventing, because i'm working really hard on not wanting to be someone else. not hating myself for what i am or even for what i've been. not trying to find labels, not trying to fit in. i'm multitudes, they are all contained within me and they're all me, and i don't need to love everything but i can't hate it. i can only recognise and let go.

vi.
everything's about to change.

#journal